Holiday Emotional Hijack
Like many of us, decorating the Christmas tree is one of the tasks for the holiday season. It can entail joyful anticipation, dread, or both. My recent jaunt into the Christmas tree decorating realm had me anticipating it with a bit of delight, sparking holiday spirit. And then it came. Enter the Holiday Emotional Hijack.
After my absolute favorite task of putting the lights on the Christmas tree with my husband, no pun intended, I put some holiday music on an got on with the task of adorning the tree with those magical decorations. Singing along to the holiday tunes, putting those sparkling red, green, and gold ornaments on the tree, and just being happy and joyful. And then it hit me. The tears started flowing. Those holiday favorites, “There’s No Place Like Home for the Holidays,” and “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” did it. I was missing my mom and dad who have been gone for almost 30 years and 14 years respectively. I was reminiscing about all those Christmases past, with a house full of relatives: family, drama, laughs, and love. The whole gamut of wonder. Thinking about all the people that are no longer with us and the ones who won’t be able to come home for the holidays anymore. I was missing the boisterous festivities and the grand gatherings.
After loving hugs from my husband, I recovered and continued with my decorating. Then came the next round. Only this time I full out lost it. Tears, sobs. The emotions of the last two years came flowing out of me. The cancer diagnosis and treatment and all the losses. Losing my mother-in-law; losing Lori, my partner in this crazy ovarian cancer journey; losing my old self and trying to figure out who I was now, the one with limitations. The emotions that normally are held at bay suddenly flowed to the surface. All unexpectedly while decorating the Christmas tree. So, what did I do?
I embraced it. Every single feeling. Of sadness. Of loss. Of overwhelm. Of the reality of what I went through. Of the preciousness of life, and love, and family, and health. Of the happiness and smiles and warm feeling that all those memories of Christmas past gave me. Of the memories of the laughter. The drama that was survived. And oh yes, there were times when there was drama. Lots of it. The surprises. The traditions. The simple act of being together with people you love and care about during this magical time of year. Of remembering what Christmas is truly about.
What I discovered as I explored and embraced this journey of Holiday Emotional Hijack that brought me down into the depths of sadness and grief was also so much joy. So much goodness. So much gratitude. I realized that to have all those strong feelings, I had to also have all those memories. It was my experiences that gave rise to all those strong emotions. Had I turned away from the feelings and the emotional hijack, I would have missed the blessing that was waiting there for me. How grateful and lucky I am to have those memories to look back on. To have felt the love and laughter of family, both my given family and my chosen family. And grateful most of all, that I am here to celebrate another Christmas. Another holiday. However small or big. Another chance to make memories. Embrace new traditions. And savor every moment in this wonderful thing we call life.