Acceptance Helps Me Find Peace

At first glance you might think, how in the world does accepting your cancer give you peace?  We shouldn’t accept it.  If we accept that we have cancer than we are not fighting it.  If we accept that we have cancer, aren’t we are giving cancer permission to coexist in our mind and body?  Aren’t we supposed to be a “Warrior” in the fight against cancer?  There is no acceptance when you are a “Warrior”.  But what if we could look at acceptance in a different light?

Defining “Acceptance” Differently

“Acceptance” is described as an agreement that something is either right or approved of.  When we allow something in, we accept it.  Well, that is certainly isn’t what we want to do with cancer.  We don’t want to approve of it, to think it is okay, to accept the fate of a cancer diagnosis, to be resigned to it.  That goes against everything we think of when we think we have to “fight” cancer and be a “Warrior”.

But what if we defined acceptance a little differently?  What if, instead of looking at acceptance as something we allow in, or approve of, we look at it only as something that just IS, in this exact moment.  What if it is an agreement that today, just today, I have cancer; that today I am a cancer survivor who is struggling; that today I am a cancer survivor who is fatigued; that today I am a cancer survivor who is anxious; that today I am just a cancer survivor?  Nothing more.  No judgement.  No acceptance that I am a struggling cancer survivor and that I will always be struggling.  No acceptance that I have cancer and I will always have cancer.  Just, this is me at this present moment. 

When you accept something as it is, today, what you are really doing is allowing peace to coexist with your experience.  By accepting, we are not in “Warrior” mode, sword ready to take on the latest threat.  We are not expending energy that we don’t have on ruminating or wishing for what isn’t our reality today or on what could be our reality tomorrow. That’s not to say that accepting is saying I’m not getting treatment, I don’t care if treatment works.  It just says that today, I accept what is.  I have cancer.  I am a cancer survivor.

What Acceptance Looked Like During My Cancer Treatment Journey

A wise psychologist and mentor once told me that when you have something that triggers a strong emotion in you, instead of fighting it, examining it, running the scenarios about why I reacted that way, wondering what caused it and what can I do so it doesn’t happen again, or catastrophizing it, simply look at it and say, “Hmm . . . how interesting”.  That’s it.  Don’t stress yourself out, don’t put yourself through more emotional turmoil, just take note of it and move on. 

When I learned of my cancer diagnosis, of course it triggered strong emotions. Yes, I am not going to lie, there were many tears of sadness and fear for the future, but I didn’t rant or rage.  I didn’t wonder why me.  I simply accepted that yes, I have cancer.  It wasn’t good or bad, it just was. Maybe I was just numb or in shock or maybe my social work and attorney training kicked in and I became objective about my situation.  I’m not sure.  But during treatment, this mindset worked for me.

Now this may not resonate with you at all.  And I am not saying that if you ranted and raged, sobbed, or asked “why me,” that you did it wrong or that I handled it better than you. We all need to find ways to safely release those strong emotions we have in a way that works for us.   Trust me, there were many moments that I didn’t handle my cancer journey with grace and acceptance.  If I am being totally honest, I still have those days sometimes.  I’m just saying that on the days that I was most peaceful, this is what worked for me, and when I could get to a place of acceptance and objectivity without judgment, my diagnosis and treatment journey were emotionally easier for me.

This mindset was most helpful during treatment because I didn’t know what to expect so I had no expectations. It was a little more difficult, or truth be told it was a lot more difficult to get to “acceptance” after treatment.  Mostly because my expectations were that I would finish treatment and be back to my old self.  I had no idea that I would have to discover a new normal.  So, I spent a lot of time and energy in “Warrior” mode fighting what was – Why can’t I do this anymore?  Why am I so fatigued?  What’s wrong with me?  Why are other cancer survivors not struggling like I am?  I must not be trying hard enough because I don’t feel like I’m back to normal.  It created a lot of turmoil in me.  Emotionally, I was a mess.  Once I accepted that this is where I am in this moment, today, I found inner peace and suddenly a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

Getting to Acceptance After Treatment

Acceptance sounds great.  But how exactly do you get to acceptance? Acceptance sure doesn’t come easy.  We have a natural tendency to fight something we don’t like or to run away from it.  Yes, sometimes acceptance is a simple, “Hmm, that’s interesting,” file it away and move on, but sometimes, especially with the hard stuff, it’s a little more difficult to get there.  For me, there were two things that helped me. They both circle back to gratitude.

Acceptance via Gratitude

First, I started to look at where I was physically during diagnosis and treatment versus where I was after treatment. I balanced every negative with a positive.  Even though I am nauseous today, yesterday I felt good.  Even though I need to rest after taking a long walk, I am grateful that I can walk.  Even though I am fatigued, I have a comfy chair to rest in.  Even though I sometimes have chemo brain and can’t find my words, I can still communicate with those that I love, and they understand what I’m trying to say.   Even though I may not be able to practice my profession anymore, I am still able to help people through compassion, kindness, understanding, and through things like Surviving to Flourishing.

Secondly, and I hate to sound like all the self-help gurus out there, but I started to look at the things in life I had to be grateful for.  I was grateful for watching a sunrise, a sunset, the wind blowing through the trees, the birds soaring through the sky, the flowers inching their way up through the soil.  I was grateful for a warm bed, a good cup of coffee, my favorite reading chair, my sunroom, my favorite blanket.   I was grateful for a hug, for being able to talk with my adult children, for the friends and family that were checking in on me to make sure I was okay, for love from my fur babies.  I was grateful for what I could do.  I could get out of bed. I could shower myself (something I couldn’t do after surgery). I could take a deep breath. I could feel the coziness of my soft pajamas.  I was grateful for being able to hear my favorite music, for the birds singing, and even my dogs barking.  I was grateful I could look up.  Yes, so many little big things to be grateful for.

I won’t say that gratitude heals everything, because gratitude doesn’t take away the hurt, the sadness, or the frustration.  What I will say is gratitude helped to dissipate the negative feelings about where I was and where I am in my cancer journey.  For every negative thought or circumstance, I can think of a positive one to replace it.  The biggest takeaway for me was that even though life looked and still looks different than before, it is still life.  Something that I never take for granted anymore.  By accepting that life looks different now and realizing that even though it looks different there is still so much to be grateful for, I have been able to find peace in my cancer journey.  How about you?  Where in your journey have you been able to find acceptance, gratitude, and peace?