Living in the AND
So much of our life and time and energy is spent grappling with conflicting feelings. If I am grateful, then why am I also anxious, or sad? If I am joyful, then why do I also feel angry? While this one isn’t quite relevant to me right now, it was for a long time: if I am cancer free, then why do I still feel like I am a cancer patient? It can be difficult to reconcile all those feelings. And when we can’t, we often beat ourselves up. We think we aren’t doing gratitude right or we wouldn’t be feeling anxious or sad. We aren’t going through treatment like so many others who have it worse so we should stop worrying about ourselves and be grateful. But here’s the thing, our feelings, like our lives, are not black and white. They are not one or the other. And they are not wrong or right. They just are.
When we discount one feeling over the other or feel like we can’t feel two ways about the same thing at the same time what we are really doing is shutting off a part of ourselves. Maybe it’s the part that needs more healing, more reflection, more growth. But we won’t know it because we push it aside, judging ourselves by thinking our life can’t be good or grateful or joyful if we are feeling the negative emotions too. And we do it not only to ourselves, but we can do it to others or others can do it to us.
While I don’t have anything per se against that “Good Vibes Only” message, it also sends the message that we don’t want to or can’t handle the messy part of life, the pains that inevitably come as a part of just living. While it’s a cute saying, it actually separates us, keeping our human connection and our humanness at arms-length. We are telling others I will not be here for you if you have anything other than good vibes. It also places judgment on those other, more difficult and less desirable feelings and emotions, those bad vibes we all have. Like when we are just having a bad day.
I know that this will feel controversial for some. We need to have good vibes and focus on that good energy to manifest our hearts desires. But we also need to learn about ourselves, about others, about our common humanity to grow as humans, both collectively and individually. And we can’t do that if we push the bad feelings, the human feelings, the feelings that really touch our soul, away. When we do that what we are ultimately doing is pushing people away from us and pushing us away from ourselves. I think we can do better. Living in the And means we can choose joy AND hold space for those painful moments in life too.
In 2024, let’s commit to showing and accepting our humanness to ourselves and to others. Say out loud the things we are fearful of. The things that we grapple with. The things that keep us up at night. I am grateful but I am also anxious for my future and wonder if I will have one. I am joyful but also sad that I don’t have the life I thought I would, or the people that I thought would be here for me.
Expressing my fears and doubts and anxieties and you sharing yours with me will make us connect. Because of my struggles you may gain a different perspective that may even provide you with insight and make you live a little better, a little more intentionally, a little truer to yourself and your values. And I may learn the same from you. It will undoubtedly enable us to lighten each other’s loads just a little.
Let’s learn how to give ourselves and others grace. Let’s learn how to live in the And, the in between, with the conflicting feelings and the unknown staring us in the face. Let’s fully feel without fighting it. Because when we allow ourselves to fully feel all those conflicting feelings without the need to reconcile them or push the seemingly negative ones away, we allow ourselves to fully feel all that this life has to offer, the depth of it, the joy of it, the sadness of it. In return, we may get a life that is fully lived.