Cancer: How My Diagnosis Opened Me Up to Life
For many, when you hear the word “cancer,” it immediately emits feelings of fear and anxiety. In the not so distant past when someone was diagnosed with cancer it was thought of as a death sentence. Now, with over 18 million cancer survivors, that is not necessarily the case. We, collectively as cancer survivors, are learning how to live with the uncertainty of our diagnosis and with the anxiety and fear of a recurrence always hovering in the background. But my cancer diagnosis was also a blessing in disguise.
You see, prior to my diagnosis I was part Type A personality. While I learned the value of time a long time ago and tried to live my values of kindness, compassion, and appreciation of life; there was also my evil twin lurking inside who was sort of a control freak. I wasn’t spontaneous. I always had to have a plan. What were we doing. Where were we going. Planning for various scenarios – bad weather, too crowded, no parking. What was our Plan B. Quite frankly, it could be and was exhausting. Becoming an attorney just enhanced that negative part of me. I saw liability everywhere. We couldn’t do this or that because we could get hurt. We could inadvertently hurt someone else. We could get sued. On and on it went.
Then along came cancer. Something I couldn’t really have a Plan B for. What was Plan B – I died, I lived, I lived but with limitations, I had to continue with treatment for how long?? The questions went on and on. Truth be told, once I was diagnosed, I couldn’t go into Plan B thinking. I was just too tired. Now I did plan for how to help myself during treatment. You can check out my blog, “Three Things That Helped Prepare My Cancer Journey” here, for more information. But I couldn’t plan for anything else.
Once I completed treatment though, things were different. I could plan, but part of me was too afraid to plan too much. I learned just how much planning can be derailed when I got diagnosed. But a funny thing happened after my treatment ended. Maybe I realized that I wasn’t really letting myself live. Holding myself back. Or maybe I understood just how precious my time and my life was. Maybe I just wanted to jump back in to living.
Hiking at Fort Mountain State Park
What I started to do, without realizing it, was I started to take more chances. I went to survivor camp without really knowing the people running the camp, what we would be doing, or where the camp was other than a remote area high in the mountains of Colorado. I tried snowshoeing, sledding, cross country skiing. I went hiking - moderate trails, on the side of mountains, on rocky terrains, on a guided cliff tour where there were risks of slipping and falling. I cycled through the up and down terrain of Cades Cove in the Great Smokey Mountain National Park. I took a cave tour at Mammoth Cave National Park. I kayaked seven miles down the Green River in Kentucky.
And do you know what happened? I survived it all. And while some of it didn’t turn out exactly as I had thought it would, I have so many stories now of embracing life that make me smile. And while these adventures are treasured memories, they have also come with new challenges too. I have had some panic attacks which are new to me, but I am working through them. Some were disappointing, my panic attack at Great Smokey National Park prevented me from seeing the bear on the bike ride at Cades Cove. But my panic attack on the cliff dwelling tour where I had to stop and take a break, breathe, and sit down before I kept going was a win because I learned how to calm myself down, focus and keep going. And then there was surprisingly no panic attack during the raging thunderstorm on the kayak trip - progress! I learned I could paddle really fast if I had to!
Ultimately what I learned through it all is that I had gained inner strength that I didn’t know I had. Now some of those challenges may sound small to you. But they were big to me at the time. And through them all I kept thinking: I got through surgery, chemo, and my cancer diagnosis. I can get through this. And I did. The unexpected blessing of cancer: opening me up to truly living.
What has your cancer diagnosis opened you up to?